


I Can't Give You That

by TheBritishVampire



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Mild Sensory Play, Multi, Polyamory, Sexual Disgust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-13 20:02:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11767335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBritishVampire/pseuds/TheBritishVampire
Summary: Bokuto hates sex, he always has. He just needs to find the confidence to tell his boyfriends before the stress takes too much of a toll on his health.





	I Can't Give You That

Kuroo's fingers slide over his hips, the tips feel fairly rough from years of volleyball. They map out pathways from the outside of his thigh all the way up to his shoulders. He opens his eyes slightly to see the porcelain skin of Tsukishima's back in front of him. The knobs of his spine jutting out just beneath the surface like hills down the expanse of his back. 

He reaches out to touch them, feeling the shiver it elicits from the blonde as he runs a finger over each knob. A warm breath brushes over the minuscule hairs on his neck as Kuroo lets out a sigh of content behind him. 

He knows he should feel like that; He just had sex with the two people he loves the most in this world. He should feel satisfied and happy..... Yet, he feels disgusted and... dirty. What the hell is wrong with him? This isn't normal to feel this way is it? 

It's the same routine every time. One where he tells himself it will be better next time, but it never is. He loves their touch, their kisses..... but sex is something he has never felt any attachment to. He has no desire to seek out that kind of intimacy with someone. 

But how can he possibly have a healthy relationship if he can't give them something as simple as that? He knows he can ask himself these pointless questions all he wants, but it won't change anything. He hates sex, and it destroys him inside knowing that he can't force himself to either. 

Bokuto sits up, climbing over the splayed out, sleeping bodies on the bed and makes his way to the bathroom. Once he is out the room he pulls the door till there is just a crack to see through. The moonlight seems to have the same idea, streaming through the window to peek into and illuminate the small room. 

Its light bounces off the still forms, their skin becoming a landscape of light and shadow. It's barely visible from where he is standing, but the sight is beautiful none the less. Bokuto lets a sigh part his lips, turning away from the door and he does. He can't look anymore at such an adorable sight or he might just melt as easily as the snow lining the window ledges. 

Moving away from the door, he makes his way down the dark hallway towards the bathroom. He hops over the various items of clothes strewn all over the floor as he goes. Sex never seems to be a tidy affair. 

Normally he would jump straight at the opportunity to play a solo game of 'the floor is lava', using the jeans and shirts to avoid touching the boiling hot liquid. But he can't even think about that while in this mood. He knows this isn't healthy to keep feeling this way. He knows that all too well, the dark circles lining his under-eyes remind him of his lack of sleep from all the worrying. 

\----

The bathroom light is harsh, making the shadows of his face look sunken and malicious. He stares into his reflection, silently asking for a solution to his problems. How much longer can he keep this up? He can't keep avoiding having sex with his partners, coming up with the most convincing excuses he can as not to hurt them. He never want's to hurt them.

They don't always have sex together, it's not uncommon for someone to sit out of a session because they just aren't in the mood or are tired from work..... but he can't use that excuse every time, so he just....deals with it. No one should have to say they just 'deal' with something that their partners enjoy, something they even do to convey their love for one another. 

But the disgust that he feels after doing it is too much. He doesn't feel it towards them, just about the situation... the idea of sex. It hasn't ever appealed to him to let anyone else join in his own pleasuring. 

His eyes sting, a warm and painful feeling engulfed them. He wants to throw up and so prepares himself to lunge at the toilet in case this....urge overtakes his senses. He needs to calm himself. 

After taking a few deep breaths, Bokuto makes his way to the lounge. He quickly puts on his clothes that were discarded there from his earlier ministrations, making a quick trip back to the hallway for his jeans. As he walks to the front door he grabs the first coat he finds and clumsily stuffs his feet into some winter boots. 

he closes the door behind him, shutting himself off from the warmth inside the apartment. Instead he is greeted by the bite of the cold, crisp air at his neck. He won't go back for a scarf, his boyfriends have probably heard the front door click shut. Tsukishima is a light sleeper. 

Shoving his hands into his pockets, Bokuto makes his way down the street, the noise from the snow crunching under his feet being the only sound filling the night air. It's dark but the street lamps light the way to the nearby park. He needs some time to think; he just wants to be by himself for a while. 

He likes the winter time. The cold air has a refreshing feeling, it has a way of waking up all his senses. It makes him feel real. You can't pretend your not real when your skin is abused by an unforgiving winter wind. 

\----

After finally reaching the park he uses his elbow to push open the metal gates, not wanting the bare skin of his hands to touch the unforgiving ice. He makes his way down the path to the left, which he knows will take him to the far end of the wooded area. 

The park sits at the edge of a hill that overlooks the city just below. From the outer edge you can look out over the streets and high buildings. It's a beautiful view, one which he and his boyfriends have admired a lot during their frequent runs through this park. 

The owl-eyed boy puts his forearms on the rail and rests his chin on them, not taking his eyes off the view laid out in front of him. It's one of those views that makes you feel so small and almost....insignificant compared to everything else. But not in a bad way, not to him. He finds it makes all his problems appear trivial just for a few minutes. It's easy to let yourself be engulfed by the city's sounds and high rises. 

It doesn't take long before the lights dotted around the city become streaking lines of yellow as his tears start to pool in his eyes. He lets them sit there for a while, blurring the world around him as if to cover his eyes from reality for just a moment. 

After what feels like an eternity he starts to feel the loneliness creep in. There's only so much time he can spend in a comfortable solitude, himself being a person who thrives off of other people's company. 

Bokuto crouches down, hand grasping at the bars as he rests his forehead against the freezing metal. The once trapped tears start falling, spilling out over the edge to leave trails down his cheeks. 

\----

He doesn't know how long he's been crouched down but his legs start to ache and the snow has started to fall again. A few snowflakes come to rest on his lashes before they melt into the tears that reside there.  
Coming out from within the trees are calls of his name which cut through the snow to reach him. It's faint and he can't bring himself to step back into reality just yet. He's comfortable with his eyes closed, numb to his surroundings for just a little while. Curled up into himself with the falling snow making itself comfortable in his hair. 

All of a sudden there is an impact to the side of his body that throws him off balance. He finds himself being engulfed in a comforting warmth, arms snaking around his shoulders as the heat from someone's cheeks kisses his skin. 

It doesn't take long before he realises it's Kuroo; the dark-haired boy claws into his coat as if the other might try to run. More footsteps are heard and shortly after, the blurred figure of Tsukishima appears, out of breath and sporting rose-dusted cheeks from running. Kuroo only holds him tighter, refusing to move from his spot on the floor with him. 

Bokuto looks up to see the blonde towering above them, arms crossed with a slightly worrying look spread across his face. "Bokuto, what the hell are you thinking coming out at this time when it's so cold?.... and without even TELLING US!?" 

Before Bokuto can even think of opening his mouth, the sheer force of Tsukishima throwing himself into the hug stops him. 

"We were so worried about you... you've been acting so strange and... please Koutarou! Tell us what's wrong!" Tsukki using his first name is a rare occurrence... he must have really been worried.

The sadness in the younger boy's voice claws at Bokuto's heart. He never meant to let his own emotional trauma affect the people around him. Tears begin to fall as he wraps his arms around both boys, his cries falling freely from his lips. 

They all stay like that for a while, sharing each other's warmth as the crisp air threatens to weave its arms between them. 

It's Tsukishima who eventually stands, pulling the other two up on their feet as he does. They all look a mess, red eyes and cheeks painted with frosty tears. 

"Come on, lets go home. We can talk about it once we are all in bed with a hot chocolate." Tsukishima's voice is dressed back in its signature tone of indifference, but they all know it holds no real annoyance in it. 

A hot drink does sound amazing right now, thinks Bokuto. His fingers are going numb from being exposed to the night air for so long. Without another word, they all huddle close, hands either in their pockets or linked in with someone else's for the extra warmth as they walk back to the apartment. 

\----

Eventually they all find themselves tucked into bed, a cup of steaming hot chocolate each to warm their fingers. Bokuto insisted on having cream and marshmallows, picking one up to suck the melted layer from the outside, then putting the rest back to continue the melting process. 

He ignores the disapproving tut from the blonde next to him as he continues to scoop the cream up with his tongue. 

Bokuto's eyes are still puffy from crying, but Kuroo's slender fingers combing through his hair relax him enough to push aside and forget about that for now. 

They sit in a comfortable silence for a while, each sipping at their drinks, revelling in the way the hot liquid trickles down their throats and warms their chests. 

It's Kuroo who speaks first this time. Entwining his fingers with Bokuto's as he moves himself closer to the boy in between him and Tsukishima. 

"Bokuto, will you tell us what's wrong now? Please... we...Tsukki and I have been talking, and we have started to realise that you seem to be falling back into a... depressed state. We really don't want that, Baby. We care about you so, so much..." 

He can't get the rest of the words to come out. Kuroo has always been affected too deeply when he is faced with seeing someone he loves in pain, be it emotional or other. 

Tsukishima brings his other hand across Bokuto to rest it on the distressed boy's thigh in comfort, giving the muscle there a gentle squeeze as if he can wring out all the negative energy hiding inside. 

This it it, Bokuto thinks. He has to tell them or this will just carry on without being resolved. He scoots up to a sitting position, the other boy's cautious eyes following his every movement in anticipation. 

Closing his eyes, he takes a breathe to calm his nerves a little. There's no escaping this now; this has to happen. 

"Ok. Um.. well, the thing is that... I don't..." shit this was so much harder to say than he ever expected. But the gentle squeeze of a hand on his shoulder pushes him on.

"I hate... having sex" the words make their way out, almost inaudible. He said it, it's done. Will they leave him? He doesn't know what he would do if they did, he loves them! His heart pounds at his ribs, ready to leave him there alone to deal with the situation if it can pull off an escape. 

Sneaking a peak at their faces he can see that Kuroo seems a little confused and Tsukki... well it's hard to read the almost blank expression on his face. 

"What do you mean, Babe!?" Kuroo seems slightly panicked now. "Is it.. me? Am I being too rough, because I can-" 

"NO! God no, Kuroo! It's not anything either of you have done. It's just... me. I should have said something, but I was so scared that you wouldn't be interested in a relationship if I couldn't give you this". He starts fiddling with the hem of his shirt, counting each stitch instead of looking at his boyfriends. 

Tsukishima sighs and crosses his arms. "Idiot, you should have said something! You know we love you and we wouldn't ever want to do anything that you are uncomfortable with" The words reach Bokuto perfectly even though the blonde had turned his face away, probably from embarrassment. 

More tears begin to spill over Bokuto's cheeks. One runs down and tickles his lip as if trying to cheer him up a little. Being told he is loved always gets him overly emotional. 

Kuroo remains silent, staring intently at his own fingers as they brush over the hairs on Bokuto's arm. The owl-eyed boy looks to the blonde for help, only to see a calculating look in his eyes.

"Bokuto, you seemed to genuinely enjoy us kissing and touching you... do you actually like that sort of contact?" The boy's long, slender fingers hold his chin as he thinks. 

"Yes! Fuck, of course! I really love you guys touching and kissing me! I promise that's ok, I swear I'm not lying about that". A smile tugs at the corners of his mouth as he thinks about all the loving kisses and caresses he has received from his boyfriends in the past. 

The taller boy looks lost in thought and hums as he stands. "Let me get something, I think I understand the situation". 

The two boys left on the bed watch as the blonde strolls out the room with a purpose, a purpose which is known by neither of the remaining people. Bokuto turns to Kuroo and searches his eyes for any sort of sign that he has rejected him. But their is only kindness in them. 

Kuroo rests a hand on Bokuto's cheek and leans in to brush their lips together. His breath tickles his lips, so to stop himself from giggling he moves forward to close the gap. He loves this. The soft, warm lips of someone he loves pressing against his. 

The dark-haired boy pulls back again so he can speak. "Bokuto.... it's ok. You know that right? We still love you. We can figure something out. We always do" the words slip through the boy's lips to warm Bokuto's, the smell of hot chocolate reaches his nose.

He smiles, the tears that are still falling are due to relief now, as well as the happiness he feels at being accepted. 

Before he can reply, Tsukishima comes back into the room. He has something on his hand... a glove? No, a dog grooming mitt!?

"Bokuto, I want to try something, so please, both of you strip down to your boxers". It's almost funny how he can say such things with a straight face. They should be used to it now after living with the taller boy for two years now. 

Even so, they do as they are told, removing the remaining clothes from their bodies. Tsukki does the same before turning off the main light and climbs back into bed. He flicked a switch down the side of the mattress that turned on a set of fairy lights. Bokuto had insisted they put them around the headboard, claiming that they made the room look 'magical'.

The room was soon filled with a soft, warm glow. Bokuto could just about make out the faces of the two boys on either side of him, the light settled on the high points of their features. 

Once comfortably above the covers, all of them clad in just boxers, Bokuto let his eyes fall awkwardly in the direction of the window over Kuroo's shoulder. Another bout of snowfall had started, the flakes piling up on the already settled snow from the day before. 

Bokuto's attention is taken back when he feels something brush across his chest, making a path down to his stomach. He looks down to see Tsukishima's gloved hand rubbing in circle motions across the expanse of his skin. 

At first it's definitely an usual sight, but it feels.... pretty good...no, amazing! A shiver is sent through his body whenever the rubber knobs on the underside of the glove tickle his stomach. 

The action covers his skin in a layer of sensory stimulation, leaving a swelling feeling of comfort in his chest and stomach.

Tsukki makes his way from Bokuto's shoulders, down over his belly to reach all the way to the inside of his thighs. It's pure bliss. He feels his cheeks warm with the pleasure he feels. 

Suddenly Kuroo is stroking his hair before pulling him into a passionate kiss. Their tongues intertwine and play, the intensity of the good feeling only heightening.

Bokuto can feel Tsukishima's glasses bump against his exposed neck as the blonde runs his tongue across the warming skin there. So many sensations. It's amazing how good it feels just being touched by them. 

Kuroo pulls away from Bokuto's lips, leaning over him to meet Tsukishima's in a heated kiss of their own. He has a great view of their mouths working intensely together, tongues flitting out to caress the other's. 

He reaches over to the mitt on Tsukki's hand and pulls it off, gently pushing his own hand into it instead. Manoeuvring his arm behind the blonde he starts to run the bristled pad over the boy's back, his heart pounding even faster when he elicits a needy moan from his lips. 

Kuroo hungrily eats up the cries that fall from the blonde while he reaches a hand down to stroke Bokuto's thigh. His thumb drawing circles into the plump skin. 

This is heaven; this is what Bokuto has wanted from his lovers for so long now. The caressing, kissing, the heat rolling off each others body's to keep them sheltered from the winter night as it seeps in through the walls. 

He can't help it, but he feels his eyes tingle again, the salty tears spilling over only to fall down the sides of his face and into his ears in a mildly annoying way. 

Hands are everywhere, then there's lips all over him again. He feels dazed from the pleasure, but it's not a sexual pleasure, it's just.... like an intense feeling of being loved, and it sends sparks across his body that ignite his skin. 

The tears that refuse to leave his cheeks are kissed away. He can't tell which boy's lips it was, he's just too lost in this feeling: The hands on his chest, the lips on his cheeks, and warm skin meeting his at almost every available point. 

A whisper cuts through the fog in his mind to join him in his state of bliss. "Bokuto, we love you so, so much. Does it feel good? Is this what you wanted?" The voices ghost over the shell of his ear, nudging a response from him. 

All he can manage is a nod and a soft hum, the touches becoming less heated and turn into slow and soothing movements that wash over his skin. He allows himself to fall away with the feelings, drifting into a pleasant world between sleep and consciousness.

Kuroo and Tsukishima look down at the boy between them, mouth parted and breathing starting to fall into a steady rhythm. The blonde smiles as he leans down to kiss the sleeping boy on the forehead, pulling off the mitt carefully as not to disturb him. 

Kuroo leans down too, his lips touching the boy's temples. "We will figure this out, Baby. Don't you worry... I love you so much, Bokuto". he seals the words into Bokuto with a gentle kiss. 

Turning to the blonde, Kuroo caresses his cheek, running his thumb over a closed eye to sweep away a tear that was left there. "Why are you crying, Tsukki!?" 

The boy leans into the palm of Kuroo's hand, moving his own to stroke through Bokuto's mixed, silver locks. "He... he kept this from us for so long. That must have been s-so horrible for him". He can barely keep his voice from wavering. He hates crying, especially in front of people. 

The other boy coaxes the blonde to crawl over the boy that separates them as he sandwiches him between his own and the now sleeping Bokuto. "It's ok, we will figure something out remember? Everything will be ok". 

There's a silence for a few moments before something comes to Kuroo's attention. "Hey Tsukki..... why the hell did you have a dog mitt on hand!? We don't even have a dog!" 

Breathy giggles fill the room, their bodies sending vibrations to bounce off each other. They calm down quickly, scared that they might wake a sleeping Bokuto. "Well it was for that dumb-ass Hinata's dog. I will just buy another one before we see them again". 

Kuroo just sends another silent laugh between the blonde's shoulder blades before snuggling up as close as he can. Tsukishima wraps himself around Bokuto as Kuroo does the same to him. Eventually sleep catches up to their racing minds, the heat from each other soothing them. 

A dim light dances over the bodies on the bed, huddled close in a mess of interlocking limbs and pillows. The snow continues to fall, the wind gently knocking at the window as if to seek out the warmth inside. 

The three boys sleep soundly, knowing that whatever problems they face they can solve them together. They leave their problems in reality for now, intertwining their fingers together as they sink into the mattress with their dreams.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, thanks for reading!  
> I know many people wont relate to these feelings, but this is a topic I wanted to touch on in my writing. I hope people enjoy it anyway though. :)
> 
> Please feel free to leave any improvements in the comments :) thanks!


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